'Tis the Season to Be a Sucker

I feel bad for poor bastards with dopey girlfriends who are holding their dopey breath waiting for a dopey $15,000 ring to put on their pudgy little finger; throwing their lives away in order to steal the Christmas spotlight from everyone else and run around living out some silly princess for a day fantasy. Merry Christmas schmuck--you spent 3 months salary on some shiny dead Africans for the pleasure of fucking some mediocre broad and only that mediocre broad for the rest of your life. I get the part about the gift for her; but what the fuck did you get out of this crappy deal?

It's bad enough that Valentine's Day exists to emasculate men, now the balls in a vice grip has been extended to Jesus' Birthday. This country is full of sad sacks working 16 hours a day to save up for a shiny caveman trinket to give their girl an iced Christmas because they think it's 'the right thing to do' Fuck the right thing, do your own thing.

Engagement rings are the world's worst investment. Your pocket takes a hit, then you have to listen to inane wedding planning for a year and then shell our 150 bucks a plate for rubber chicken and the highlight of the wedding night is your touchy uncle Dickbag getting drunk and dancing like a fool. If I'm going to shell out 3 months gross because there is a figurative gun to my head, then my girl better be cooking 4 star meals and bringing a new chick home every night to justify the cost.