Flat Ass Syndrome
I was walking home from Duke's and a thought popped into my head: 'It's 2008...how can people still be actively racist?' (I know, pretty original) and then I became distracted by what may have been the worst ass ever on a semi good looking girl. It was as if she took a coffee table book and stuffed it down the back of her pants before leaving her apartment. It's 2008....how can chicks still rock the flatty long ass?
I can hardly blame the ladies when there is a multi level conspiracy in place to make that ass disappear. It begins with fashion designers AKA The Ghey, who create clothing for girls who are built like little boys to be modeled by 15 year old malnourished Estonians and purchased by desperately single city gals who attempt to trade in their femininity via vomit and cocaine to mimic the Estonian's gay pleasing look.
Salt is then rubbed into the wound by Successful Douchebag; the object of Desperate Single Girl's affection. Successful Douchebag has one criteria for a woman: will his friends, family and colleagues approve of her? In his attempt to please all he fights against thousands of years of biology and chooses: skinny, sexless and blonde as his mate, figuring that will please, or at least be inoffensive to those around him.
Dudes who have to come home to a no hip drip every night are the reason why high priced escorts are in business. Banging a no-ass is about as fun as a sandpaper handjob. No man really wants that, they just don't want to be made fun of by their J. Crew slack wearing peers for spending time with an actual woman.
The real shame in the matter is that the chicks with the most feminine bodies have to choose from guys at the bottom of the social barrel as potential dates; making a complete mockery of the evolutionary process. The solution will come when women wake up one day and say 'fuck a magazine', eat some beans and rice and start doing heavy squats and lunges. Men will gladly follow
posted by eddie at
12:17 PM
12 Comments:
wait...so i shouldn't aspire to be blonde, skinny and sexless?
i dont understand.
ive been superceded by 3 already in past relationships, and even in my current relationship i have one as my predecessor and she just got married! (i know, can you believe even joe fell for it?)
it makes me crazy ill never be like them!
every guy at some point falls for it. When I was younger I too thought a boring blonde was the be all and end all. Then I wisened up, but I'm half a bum and not the kind of feller that most chicks want to get their claws into.
while the same could be said about me and the fellas, you and i both know that your previous statement is ridiculous; you got yourself one fly broad. witty and smart with super sideburns always wins. where have you been?
you're totally the cat's pajamas.
hey eddie,
sadly i am one of those flat assed people you speak of. I always had the flat irish ass, but i find that since having a child it has gotten worse. It sucks.
A flat ass is just needs some muscle to fill out. You should use as much weight as you can on squats to build mass and then refine with lunges and the stairmaster. Anecdotally, all the chicks I know with good asses eat rice and beans frequently....hope that helps.
Eddie... been following you blog for a while and I appreciate your honesty and candor. In fact, my wife & I have discussed past posts.
What you said here is interesting, especially since I have an exGF who carries that Irish flat ass syndrome and always wanted to be done from the back. She is build well up front, but wears jeans that teenagers can't wear... my daughter of 12[at that point] outgrew stuff she could wear. Sad thing is that she emphasizes her lacking with thongs and stuff that are not flattering to her form... I mean, seriously, do we really appreciate it when the gems on the thong are more protrusion than the ass they are highlighting?
I will say this for myself... she is the smallest person I have ever been involved with and looking back I wonder what is was that really brought me to spending that much time with her. Oh... I remember, it was the fact that she is the epitome of the cougar and it was a fun crowd that we hung out with. Still a real treat of an attitude overall... definitely unfaithful, drunk and easy.
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'...
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand or so I have read.
Queen's best tune was written by the straight dude, "Fat Bottomed Girls".
A Neapolitan man likes a woman who he can squeeze like a pillow with tits like giant meatballs, hips like a sfogliatelle and an ass like a pot of Sunday gravy.
Boney chicks are for the latently gay. Which is fine, its just not my bag.
Chris, the tiny ass in a thong makes as much sense as a guy with a beer belly wearing a half shirt, actually less sense...a fat guy in a half shirt can at least be funny. It's like showing off a hammer toe in flip flops....me no understand.
Oh like I haven't seen you in the Dudes4MetatarsalgiaChix chat rooms. Whatever, bro.
A flat ass is a sad thing. But they have a breed of woman in Wisconsin that you simply don't find here. We knew it as the Greater Milwaukee Squarebutt.
Simply put, the ass starts about halfway up the back and continues to damned near the back of the knees. Looking at it from behind, it's wide as a house. Looking at it from the side, damn, it's a vanishing act.
In an odd coincidence, many owners of such a dramatic ass have the exact same hairstyle. Frosted perms, cut short for maximum volume because it's that thin dutch blond hair. It's the best they can do.
Odder still, many of them tend to sing in the choir at their church, and actually have pretty good voices.
Me and my fat ass love you, Eddie.
BiancaSunshine
I fucking love this post ed! you rock my world
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