The One Man Mortgage Crisis

Did you ever wonder what happened to the really stupid people you went to high school with? What became of those guys who gave education the middle finger and dropped out of school? How did the mouth breathers turn out? Where are they now?

It doesn't take a Gary Spivey to figure this one out. A third of them fell by the wayside: drugs, drinking, crime, insanity, multiple bastard kids, suicide, motorcycle accidents and homelessness have taken them out of the picture. Another third went straight and got themselves a blue collar or white welfare (civil service) job. They put a couple of kids up in a chick that was pretty before the parasites popped out and talk about back yards, the price of gas, the fall of the American empire and the Yankees.

The other third are the most interesting, in the same way hemorrhoids are interesting. They weren't fucked up enough to totally drop out or willing to tell chicks at the bar that they actually work for a living so they went and became shit salesman. A real salesman is a facilitator; he brings a consumer and a product they actually want together. A shit salesman has a product that no one wants. He has to find a sucker to pay his commission. In short, he's the kind of creep we all can't stand.



Shit salesmen are the guys who tell everyone that they work on Wall St., but are nothing more than monkey tele-marketers pumping a piece of crap stock and hoping to swindle a pensioner out of their life savings. They are the fuckers who sell life insurance annuities at old age homes, lemons at the pre owned car lot. They reek of cologne and desperation, wear cheap dress clothes and are forever looking for the next big thing.


These dickbags jumped on the runaway real estate train a decade ago, but instead of speculating on pre-construction, flipping properties and investing in real estate sector stocks (things that would require money), they gravitated towards selling crap mortgages. We all know about the predatory lending crisis brought upon by greedy banks, ig'nant borrowers and shit salesmen, but not many people know about the Hard Money Loan racket.

A hard money loan is a specific type of asset-based loan financing in which a borrower receives funds secured by the value of a parcel of real estate. Hard money loans are typically issued at much higher interest rates than conventional commercial or residential property loans and are almost never issued by a commercial bank or other deposit institution. Hard money is similar to a bridge loan which usually has similar criteria for lending as well as cost to the borrowers. The primary difference is that a bridge loan often refers to a commercial property or investment property that may be in transition and does not yet qualify for traditional financing, whereas hard money often refers to not only an asset-based loan with a high interest rate, but possibly a distressed financial situation, such as arrears on the existing mortgage, or where bankruptcy and foreclosure proceedings are occurring.

Many hard money mortgages are made by private investors, generally in their local areas. Usually the credit score of the borrower is not important, as the loan is secured by the value of the collateral property. Typically, the maximum loan to value ratio is 65-70%. That is, if the property is worth $100,000, the lender would advance $65,000-70,000 against it. This low LTV provides added security for the lender, in case the borrower does not pay and they have to foreclose on the property.



That handsome fella above is Leonard "Pitbull" Rosen of PitbullMortgageSchool.com, a man who achieved some degree of success and now does the whole "Rich Dad"/Carlton Sheets..."Wanna make a million bucks? Buy my book, take my course" shit. The only difference is he calls his school something so completely ridiculous it makes Trump University and the Jimmy Hoffa School of Union Leadership look legit. While this may be good business for Rosen, ich don't think this is the best avenue for the shit salesmen who see a get-rich-quick scheme and the public at large. Like the rest of the top 10 universities as per the Princeton Review PBMS advertises on the asses of UFC fighters:


[Just imagine that instead of the classy "Condom Depot" add it said "Pitbull Mortgage School" on his ass. I'm far to impatient to Google image guys asses looking for a logo.]