Young Americans With Beards=The Terrorists Have Won
Rocking a beard is the facial hair equivalent of wearing stained sweatpants that reek of Swiss cheese everywhere you go. Unless you are some kind of Van Gogh, your greasy, hairy face is telling the world: "I have officially given up." This city is crawling with the tight jean Mujahadeen and the women who love them despite the Brillo kisses. Whenever I see a beard bro with a girl, part of me dies--The part that showers and brushes my teeth.
Maybe I'm jealous of the Hasid faces and their ability to display the effects of puberty proudly. I am unable to grow a full beard, which turns me into a hater of beards and hearty 'staches. But, even if I could, doesn't mean I should. You only get to be young once, why hide under a mask of hair?
I liked things better when beards were the sole domain of mountain men, religious fanatics, Kenny Rogers and Santa Claus. I can't even listen to a band if I know they are bearded. Unless you have a weak looking chin....shave that shit!
posted by eddie at
3:38 PM
3 Comments:
You should do an exposé on how when old people use the toilet it leaves a distinct smell. Sort of like a mix between OTB, old newspapers and walnuts.
I'm not talking about the typical "oh yeah, some dude just took a shit in here" stink. What I'm saying is you can totally tell when someone over 65 just took a shit in the toilet stall before you.
Its like a cross between grout, the spine of an old book and the headliner of a musty Impala.
talk shit about hockey all you want (and i know you will) but the only time full beards are acceptable on a man is during the stanley cup playoffs.
I like the playoff hockey beard actually. Reminds of my lucky shirt and lucky underwear....I heart superstition.
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