Def Comedy Investing: Don't Do the 'White' Thing

I like comedy. I really do. I'll watch any hacky standup do their thing on television; I'll even read books written by comedians (Norton, Leary, Lange). There is one truth in comedy and that is: black comedians are funnier. They're funnier because they are allowed to do race jokes and let's face it: race jokes are fucking hilarious. I know that the whole 'white people is craaaaazzzzzy' bit can become one-notish, but I'll still laugh at a black comic doing an impression of a black comic doing the Average White Chump voice.

I used to laugh at AWC's getting taken to task for being responsible, having good credit, paying bills, raking leaves, saving money, buying stock, trusting the police, having garage sales, swimming in the ocean, cavorting with dangerous animals, skiing and whatever else black people think white people do. I laughed until I realized I was one of them.

I, like millions of other Americans did the 'responsible' thing and took my financial advice from so called reputable sources like: my broker, fund managers, CNBC, Jim Cramer, The Wall Street Journal, ragingbull.com and any swinging dick with a stock tip. Because of this I'm fucked. Half of my money just up and vanished this year like Amelia Fucking Earhardt. I should have listened to Kat Williams instead.

Instead of stocks and mutual funds I should have bought a diamond encrusted chalice with my name on it or a fucking silly looking grill or the biggest rim ever made...even better a necklace with a big rim on it, because however tacky, that garbage will still have some value to someone. I could pawn it or sell it to a broke pimp which is more than I can say for my investments. Even if I invested half of my money in bottles of Moet champagne, I would have had fun watching it dwindle instead of sippin Mylanta and watching the ticker.

Next time you're in your sensible car, wearing your Dockers, on your way to a home you can afford, with your 401k and Roth IRA, don't snicker at the guy in the Escalade with the spinners and the obnoxious bass: he's got it figured out, you and I are the suckers.